I'm a productive member of society again!

So I just got a job and after 3 weeks of stupid bureaucracy (drug screening, 1-9, w-4, ss card, passport, etc. etc) I finally get to start working after a month and a half of unemployment.

Just kidding if any employers are reading this! I’m actually looking forward to my new job! I will get to drive the fanciest of cars!

This most recent job search took me down memory lane and made me think about all the jobs I have had in my short life.

I shall start with my very first job: Shitty Ice cream shop

Length of employment: an hour and a half.

My very first job was at fifteen at some ice cream shop that had replaced Baskin Robins. It was by far one of the most terrifying hours of my life. Upon walking in I was greeted by a crotchety old woman and a 16 year old boy with a ponytail and a hat. The first thing the crotchety old woman (who will henceforth be referred to as “COW”) said to me in her unbearably abrasive voice was “You got a hat? You’ll need a hat.” So we went to the back of the shop (which smelled like feet and decay) to the “spare hat area.” Fuckin’ gross. There are so many reasons I don’t want to put someone else’s hat on my head, and I don’t feel the need to justify that stance. It’s totally self-explanatory. Anyway, everything the COW said her little ponytail parrot would repeat in a smug fashion. It was really strange. As I surveyed the scene I realized that they had a weird relationship.

Yup. She fed him strawberries. It was gross. Like creepy gross. Creepy gross enough for me to leave then and there and never come back. “I’ll call you if I need you” said the COW (now CREEPY old woman). God forbid.

My parents got pissed at me for not having follow through, but I said “SHE FED HIM STRAWBERRIES!” and they pretty much instantly got it.

Job #2: Janitor at my High School

Length of employment: A year

This job was the best. No shit. Best job I ever had. I got to nap on the job, chill out with the other maintenance people, talk shit about our superiors. The. Best. Job. Ever. Period.

Job #3: Pizza Place

Length of employment: Summer

This was my first “Summer Job” that I only had for 3 months. This was by far the luckiest I have ever been. I came in and was like “I don’t have any waiting experience, I’m 18 and I’m in college all the way across the country.” “OK,” said the awesome manager, “you’re hired!”

Big mistake on the manager’s part. I was literally the worst waiter ever. I just can’t juggle that many things in my head at once. Maybe with some practice I could get it, but there was no time for practice. Also we did rotation which I could never keep up with. When we did sections I was fine, but rotation kicked my ass. There was one moment in which I asked a person if he was ready for his check and he clearly hadn’t gotten his food yet. Yup. I was that bad.

Enough about that.

Job #3: Event Scheduling

Length of Employment: 2 and a half years!

By far the longest I have ever been employed. It was fun. I pretty much avoided all responsibility I could so I could never be blamed for anything. It was funny, the less responsible people got to work alone on the weekends. Because the less responsible people just did set ups! No scheduling! BWAHAHA! So yeah. Awesome job. One of my bosses was exactly like Lumberg from “Office Space,” but I didn’t have to interact with that one too often. It’s kind of funny that I have the least to say about the jobs I had the longest. Whatever.

Job #4: Peets Coffee

Length of employment: Summer

Summer job #2! This one happened more by the book. I went in to a Peets close by my house blah blah blah got referred to one far away from my house blah blah blah got hired. Now a coffee shop was way more up my alley than a restaurant. You need to keep like one thing in your head at a time at a coffee shop. It’s rull easy. However, coffee snobs are the WORST!

For Instance:

This woman came in and ordered a large mocha non-fat (non-fat mocha? Yeah that’ll melt off the pounds fatty). All in all, not an unusual drink, but whatever, she was rude so I shall make fun of it. Anywhey, she gets the mocha and speaks with her mouth muffled by fat cheeks “I ordered an iced mocha!” No, no she didn’t. But we all had to pretend she did, so the barista dumped her hot mocha in some ice and said “If it’s not delicious I’ll re-make it for you!” It wasn’t delicious. Legitimately, dumping a hot drink in to ice will water it down and make it nasty. Fine, just ask him to re-make it.

But noooo, she instead spits it on the floor and shouts “This is disgusting!” To which the barista replied “I’ll re-make it for you then.” She says, “I guess I’m just used to starbucks.”

Pause.

She said this with the tone of “Oh you know that little place on the corner? Only me and a few friends know about it.” What a dummy.

Unpause.

To which the barista replied “Then I will DEFINITELY re-make it for you!” “Good,” said the lady, “cuz ya failed the first time!”

Rude.

Unneccesary and rude.

Naturally we all talked shit about her veerrryy loudly for the next five minutes until a young man (who had seen the scene transpire) comes up and very meekly says “I’ll have a small, hot mocha.”

We gave him the drink for free.

Thus ends my employment history. I am now less of a leech than I was before. Awesome.